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Bookninja's
2004 Political Picks It's a Liberal Minority! Margaret Atwood's Jimmy, aka Snowman, squeaked past Roch of the Green Party (yes, the Green Party) by a mere two votes! Trailing behind in third place was the the Sunshiney NDP and WAY behind them were the Duddy and the Conservatives, Hosanna 's Blocheads, and poor old Leonard's stoner with only one vote each. The CHP, as was God's will, received no votes whatsoever. When reached for comment at his dystopian tree perch early this morning, Jimmy was elated: "Another fish for me, you post-apocalyptic weirdos?" he said before fully waking. "Oh, wait, I won? This is my chance to set things right! To make amends for the desolation I have inflicted on the people of the world. I'm a new man, a different man, and chances are good that I will either be the best PM you've ever had or be eaten alive by roving bands of wild pigs. "Now all I have to do is find out if anyone survived my last government, collect them into a garrison, and start pushing back at the harsh wilderness we call Canada." Commenting further on his opponents, Snowman said, "You can bet I'll be in talks with Roch about forming an alliance. He's a good kid, if a little fashion obsessed. I myself was always a Whalers fan." Representatives from the Conservative party were unavailable for comment, having already moved on to cushy corporate positions and placements within various churches. The narrator from Beautiful Losers was last seen hanging around a bus station selling hemp jewelry. We at Bookninja feel the current election cycle has presented the Canadian voter with a dearth of effective, viable, good-looking candidates. Therefore, we propose that this great nation of donut shops and liquor stores abandon the current crop of deceitful weenies and elect instead a character plucked from the hallowed pages of Canadian literature. In this spirit of facetious renewal, we present the following Bookninja Political Picks for the 2004 election.
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Jimmy (aka Snowman) from Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake. Jimmy's status quo existence doesn't take him far in life but doesn't get him into trouble either, until powerful corporate friends bring him under the wing and whisk him into a dark world of conspiracy and vague indiscretion. In trying to ease his conscience, Jimmy swims upstream against the moral rapids he's just rafted down, but it's too late. The damage is done and Jimmy is left all alone, without a single supporter (except strange blue-penised weirdoes who, in their innocence, have no sense of his chequered past and still consider him a god-like figure). Get snowed with Snowman.
Duddy Kravitz from Mordecai Richler's The Apprenticeship of Duddy Kravitz. Adept at disguising his true nature and changing his appearance to suit the situation, candidate Kravitz is a man of "Action." He'll take care of the deficit, health care, human rights, AND sell you the best bar mitzvah film you've ever seen. Many years ago Duddy was forced to make a choice about the person he would become and he's proud of who he is today. That's why he's prepared to turn this country into America - send our girls and boys to war, scrap universal health care, revoke a woman's right to choose, and spit in the eye of personal freedom. And he'll fund all this change with a cheque from you, which he's taken the liberty to sign on your behalf. (Somewhat interchangeable these days with the CHP.)
Narrator of Stephen Leacock's Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town. The narrator shows a distrust of big business and American-style capitalism. He believes a strong community can solve its problems by working together, and he believes strongly in social values. Sure, he paints a picture of an absurd, unlikely world, but come on, you'd live there if you could, wouldn't you? If you only could....
Hosanna from Michel Tremblay's Hosanna. Tired of living a masquerade, Hosanna wants to declare his real identity to the world. Hosanna's stuck living in a dysfunctional relationship with Claude, an ineffectual butch biker wimp who appears to have power on the surface but is really weak and submissive. You can expect this relationship to end if Hosanna gets elected.
Roch from Roch Carrier's The Hockey Sweater. All his life Roch wanted to be a candidate for the NDP. His ethics and sense of social rectitude set him apart from his peers as a champion of the people. But as Roch aged he outgrew his beloved NDP colours and was forced to order a new set of campaign placards. When they arrived they were green instead of orange. How could he convince the others that he was still essentially the same socialist at heart under this green disguise?
Gilead (the entire nation) from Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale. Women should be subjugated and harvested for their babies. Scrabble and cocktail dresses will be strictly forbidden. Satan is coming hand-in-hand with the Liberals and NDP to try to whup Jesus and we got to be ready to help. So vote with your fear of a world you don't understand. Details in upcoming issues of the Watchtower. End communication.
Narrator from Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers. OK, he has a hard time maintaining a coherent
narrative, and he has a tendency to go on about people he remembers
that no one else knows, and, uh, you're never quite sure what he's
talking about, but he sees the true meaning of things, you know,
and... what was I saying?
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