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The
Ninja Bistro Review Menu Kathryn Kuitenbrouwer's first book, Way Up, was published in 2003 to critical acclaim. Her debut novel, The Nettle Spinner, will appear this spring from Goose Lane. Kathryn lives in Toronto. |
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Welcome to THE NINJA BISTRO
APPETIZERS The Erudité In which your book is julienned, by a chef very similar to you, with other compatible books, tossed profoundly together letting the flavours cleverly commingle. Served up with a saucy mention of the chef’s own long vitae into which he hopes the reader will amply dip. A heavy appetizer, allow us to suggest an accompanying digestif. Coles Notes Slaw In which your book is quickly flayed and reconstructed on three wilted paragraphs. Our famous Slaw has a hint of bitterness, with undertones of misunderstanding. Occasionally paired with a final cheap shot of well-aged vituperation.
SAVOURY DISHES The Lambaste In which your book is brutally roasted, raked over the coals, and skewered. Served atop pan-seared blackened humour, small bitter feelings, a compôte of jealousy and a clear reduction of the reviewer's personal lost opportunities. The Ingratinate In which the chef curries favour. Young venison (fawn) is central to this main. A slow food, the chef marinades the book and its truly marvelous cover, gorgeous typography and unsurpassed editorial effort in a sweet, just not-cloying ambrosia of hope, ambition and empire-building. Topped avec fromage grillée and best taken with but a grain of salt. The Mock Chicken In which our famous chef, Tantalus, mimics the flavour of your book, having channeled your voice. A complex meal (depending on the client) this is an especial favourite among narcissists. Served on a shard of mirror, slices of imitation chicken and, when available, wild ape, will be perfectly cooked in your blood, sweat and tears with only the slightest hint of the selfless chef’s opinion. The Pompous In which utter tripe is served up as a meal. The chef ruminates and simmers to grandiose purpose. This meal is less about your book than what the chef wishes your book to be. Your work will be braised and bruised, and finally rejected in favour of heirloom vegetables and other dead writers long venerated. This main is served with a mâche of quotes taken out of context, smothered in a jus of pettiness, and constructed atop a veritable grandstand of the chef’s formidable expertise.
SWEET DISHES In which you are asked to review the chef’s book for a national newspaper. There is nothing so sweet as revenge.
WHINE MENU Please ask your server for our extensive and impressive whine list. As well as full-bodied Canadian whines, we carry exclusive contracts with many foreign whineries. The Ninja Bistro books
ahead for our Weekend editions.
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